Funny Jokes Blog

Recent Quips From Late Night

"How many saw the president's speech last night? He pre-empted regular programming, which is nice, because viewers tuning in to see 'Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader' for once got to feel they actually were. Yeah, he offered really no new strategy that I saw, but, of course, a new slogan: 'Return on Success.' Sounds like a Dr. Phil book." --Bill Maher

"President Bush addressed the nation last night on this troop situation in Iraq. He said the best method, he believes, is a limited pullout. I don't know. Guys? Guys, that ever work for you? A limited pullout?" --Jay Leno

"Last night, President Bush addressed the nation with a speech about Iraq. The speech aired on all three networks and was secretly videotaped by the New England Patriots." --Conan O'Brien

"Did you see Britney Spears at the Video Music Awards? I don't want to say that that performance was a disaster, but after the show, I saw Rudy Giuliani having his picture taken standing on her." --Bill Maher

"Did you know last night's presidential speech was the first one broadcast in Hi-Def? And again, I don't think President Bush quite understands what that means. If fact, when they told him it was Hi-Def, he said, 'Oh great. Does that mean we don't need that lady with the sign language up in the corner anymore?" --Jay Leno

"In a speech yesterday, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said that if Republicans want to win, they have to become more like him. I think they're taking his advice, too, because today, Mitt Romney gave a speech with a dozen walnuts in his mouth." --Conan O'Brien